In The Silence of Midnight

I know I'm not a good wife, and I know I'm not a good mother, and I know I'm not a good housekeeper. But you don't know my heartbreak, and you don't know my pain.

Sometimes I wish it would all go away.

one of my favorites.

PSALM 73:
1. Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart!
2. But as for me, my feet came close to stumbling, my steps had almost slipped.
3. For I was envious of the arrogant as I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4. For there are no pains in their death, and their body is fat.
5. They are not in trouble as other men, nor are they plagued like mankind.
6. Therefor pride is their necklace; the garment of violence covers them.
7. Their eye bulges from fatness; the imaginations of their heart run riot.
8. They mock and speak wickedly of oppression; they speak from on high.
9. They have set their mouth against the heavens, and their tongue parades through the earth.
10. Therefore his people return to this place, and waters of abundance are drunk by them.
11. They say, "How does God know? And is there knowledge with the Most High?"
12. Behold, this are the wicked; and always at ease, they have increased in wealth.
13. Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure and washed my hands with innocence;
14. For I have been stricken all the day long and chastened every morning.
15. If I had said, "I will speak thus," behold, I would have betrayed the generation of Your children.
16. When I pondered to understand this, it was troublesome in my sight
17. Until I came into the sanctuary of God; then I perceived their end.
18. Surely you have set them in slippery places; you cast them down to destruction.
19. How they are destroyed in a moment! They are utterly swept away by sudden terrors!
20. Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when aroused, you will despise their form.
21. When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within,
22. Then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You.
23. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.
24. With Your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory.
25. Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
26. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27. For, behold, those who are far from You will perish; You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You.
28. But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works.

Thank You, Lord, for your love.

"draw me close to You, never let me go"

I feel stagnant in my walk with the Lord, and I know it's because I have been neglectful and careless. I really don't know what else to say. I suck.

I read a blog just now, http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com, that really convicted me. I argued with my husband tonight because he wouldn't get out of bed so I could put the sheets on. I threatened to sleep on the couch. After reading this woman's blog, I feel stupid. I should be SO GRATEFUL that I live in this country where not only do I have a roof over my head, but that I have a carpeted floor, with a bed that has sheets, pillows, and blankets, as well as a couch. I have free health care because our income is below the poverty level. We have electricity, gas, clean water...geez. I could go on and on and on about my blessings all day.

I think what bothers me the most isn't that I google for $100 swimsuits or that I am currently snacking on nutella and ritz crackers, but that in spite of all of my blessings, I am not close to God. At all. I last felt His approval when talking to Rick yesterday about getting baptized. But as for the last time God and I actually TALKED? Man, last time I even remember was when my baby boy was born. YEAH. THAT WAS NEARLY FIVE MONTHS AGO.

I want to rededicate my life to Christ, BECAUSE IT ISN'T MY LIFE. I am using the preparation time given to me by Rick to write my testimony to do that.

Draw me close to You, never let me go
I lay it all down again
Just to hear You say that I'm Your friend
You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me to know that You are near

I feel better after typing this post already. Now, it's time to test me. :)

love language.

The other day I was thinking about the book, The Five Love Languages. It's a very good book, if you haven't read it yet. I won't really tell you about it; just go buy it or borrow it from the local library. But anyways, my love language is "encouraging words." What I've noticed is that not very many people speak my love language; at least I don't know very many. I seriously would rather have you tell me how much you care about me rather than a gift for my birthday. Because not very many people I know speak my love language, I do not take compliments well. Mostly, I don't take them well because they mean more to me than I am willing to show. And by "encouraging words," I do not mean, "You look nice today," or "Good job!" I mean something genuine and heartfelt: "Have I ever told you that you are the only person I can trust? Thank you." I don't remember the last time someone stopped me and looked me in the eye and told me I was beautiful. I don't remember the last time someone told me just how much they appreciated me. I would die without words. And hey, I'll admit that I am a sap! I love what Edward says to Bella, "You are my life now." Do you know what I would do if my husband told me that?!?!? I'll spare you. :P But alas, my husband's love language is "acts of service" so he tells me he loves me by making me lunch on my first day of work, and by starting the car before I get out there and turning the seat warmers on so that I don't have to sit on cold leather when I get my buns out to the car. DON'T GET ME WRONG! I love him and I know he loves me. It's just that there are five love languages, and there is one that you speak the best, and you respond more readily to someone who speaks the same language as you.

That's my thought for the day. :)

reawakening.

Two girls I know are writers. Both of them are fantastic writers that weave beautiful tapestries and paint beautiful photos with their words. I love love love reading their stories, anecdotes, etc. I had the sudden urge one day to write. I have been meaning to write down my history, for my baby son, and for any other children that God may give me. I want them to know who I am, and who I was, and what I was thinking. So this is a reawakening. I used to write stories and poems and the like, and I'd like to continue. So I am. :-)